Children (of all ages) who experience frequent, intense and poorly resolved conflict and harshness between their parents suffer terribly. These children are also at risk for a number of negative psychological outcomes including depression, anxiety, aggression, hostility, and poor social skills.

Exposure to intense parental conflict is linked with chronic stress in children. High arousal levels may interfere with children’s capacity to figure out what is going on at an emotional level. Academic progress may be impaired as there is a link between stress and impaired thinking. Children may expend energy on maintaining their parents’ marriage, or protecting a parent’s feelings, at the expense of their own developmental tasks. The child experiences negative feelings (sadness, anxiety), holds negative thoughts (the world is unsafe, I am at fault, I have to be good), and develops negative models for family life (it’s normal for family members to control each other and hurt each other and not seek help). Behaviour problems and physical problems without a physical cause are often reported and regression to an earlier stage of development may occur. As conflict continues, the suffering of children tends to deepen.

Conflict between a child’s parents also disrupts the child’s relationships with both parents. The pathway by which conflict affects the child so profoundly may be that the conflict threatens the child’s survival and places in question whether their needs can actually be met by their parents. Basically, children need to feel that their parents are sufficiently focused on them so they are safe and cared for. Conflict indicates that parents are preoccupied with something else. This is experienced as confusing, frightening, and very sad by children.

The children I see in my practice who are in this situation eloquently and tearfully describe their intense suffering. Some of the worst scenarios are when children are caught in the trap of not being able to show their love for both of their parents because one parent may hold immense rage and distress about the other parent. Children may learn that one parent feels very negatively about the other parent. Children don’t need to be told this – they pick it up from facial expressions, tone of voice, and other nonverbal clues. To ensure that they don’t distress the first parent, the child may internalise and suppress this negativity within themselves as “I am bad…I am to blame”. There is great guilt and shame attached to these thoughts. Conflict between parents may be especially toxic if the conflict centres on the children themselves; their behaviour, or decisions about them such as custody, schools, management of behaviour, daily routines or health management.

Helping children make sense of their conflicting emotions may assist in these circumstances. However, living with ongoing conflict means that children’s suffering will continue. It is up to parents to address their feelings and seek help and support so that everyone can move on. As the Dalai Lama states, “Forgiveness is not about letting off the perpetrator of some wrong; it is about freeing the victim”. Children caught in the middle of parental conflict are victims – separated parents need to let each other go in order to free their children from harm.

Prue Fanselow-Brown is a clinical psychologist, practicing at the Child and Family Psychology Centre in Christchurch. You can learn more about Prue and her work at www.christchurchpsychology.co.nz.

Having counselled a number of couples through the separation process, it has become clear to me that there is one step that isn’t well covered in the publicly available materials on separation and divorce. That is: How do you tell your children that you’re separating? Parents are very afraid of the damage the separation might do to their children and sometimes try to shield the children from hurt by simply avoiding the issue, or only telling bits of the story they think the children want to know about.

However, there is a lot of research showing that one of the complaints that children commonly make about their parents’ separation is that they were left “in the dark” about what was happening. There is also research showing that sharing “adult” information about the separation can make children even more confused and distressed. Therefore, I decided to write this piece in an attempt to dispel some of the myths about children and separation, and provide some practical strategies for coming to grips with the issue of keeping children informed about the events associated with the separation.

Before I make practical suggestions about what to say to children about the separation, it’s important to clear up a number of misunderstood issues. First, many parents have the impression that children think about the family in the same way that parents do. This is not true. If you think about it, most parents dream about having a family and plan how it will work long before children are born, meaning that they have ideas about family that are well-formed before children even arrive. And as children are growing, parents continue to work out their hopes and plans for the whole family.

Children are not privy to these dreams – and shouldn’t be as they are not capable of understanding the implications of their parents’ plans. In addition, most adults have an ability to see “the big picture” that children lack. This is simply a function of brain development, and it means that children (and even young adolescents) only “see” the part of the picture that relates specifically to them.

Therefore, when parents worry about children being distressed about the “breakup of the family”, they are assuming that children perceive “the family” the same way they do. The truth is that children see the family primarily in terms of its support for them – they don’t see “the family” as the larger system of interdependent people with common goals and dreams. So, they are mainly interested in how things will affect them, and what kinds of differences the separation will mean for their lives. They are, in fact, strongly egocentric – and that’s how it should be! They are physically and intellectually vulnerable, given their immaturity, so they pay close attention to the adults around them to check that those adults are providing them with the protection and support they need.

Finally, all children are born hard-wired to attract the close attention of the adults around them to ensure their survival – and the more adults the better! We know, for example, that children development strong relationships with more than one caregiver if they are given the opportunity to do so. So, children are always interested in how their support system is doing – but only insofar it affects them. If they think that their support system will be disrupted, they are bound to become anxious about what it will mean for them, and may fight to prevent this disruption happening.

So, children need to know how the separation will impact on the number of parents available to them and how their caregiving will continue.

Second, given their tremendous egocentricity, children may think that the separation has been caused by them – that something they have, or haven’t, done has made the parents separate. Children are well aware of the significant impact they have on their parents – they experience their parents’ reactions to them on a moment-to-moment basis, and know that they affect their parents in many ways. This knowledge can easily extend to thinking that their actions have caused their parents’ separation behaviors, too.

So, children need to know that the separation has nothing to do with them – they did not cause it to happen, and it is a decision reached by the adults because of the adult relationship.

If parents understand these two issues, it gives them ideas about what their children need to know about the separation. Clearly, children need to know how the separation will impact on the number of adults that will be available to protect and support them, and what is being arranged to ensure that they have as much adult support and attention as possible after the separation. This translates first into concerns about how often and where they will see the non-resident parent, or how the resident parent will cope without the other adult. Then, they need to know that the separation is the result of a decision by one or both adults and that nothing they did caused it.

This does NOT mean that children should be told the details of why the separation occurred – this will simply throw them into a loyalty conflict about which parent is right and which parent is wrong. They only need to know that it is an adult decision to separate from each other, and that although the adults feel differently about each other, they don’t feel differently about the children, and will continue to love them and care for them.

In practical terms, I suggest that parents tell the children together. Parents sit side by side (however hard this may be) and face the children. They will have worked out in advance what they will say and who will say what. If it is not possible, then both parents need to at least be saying the same things to the children. First, tell the children that the adults have decided not to live together anymore and, for example, that one parent will be moving out of the family home (or whatever the arrangement is to be). Then, immediately tell them where the other parent will be living and how and when they will see that parent.

Second, tell them that the decision to separate was taken by the adults, and that, although the parents feel differently about each other now, they do not feel differently about the children. This may be really difficult if one parent is strongly opposed to the separation, but your children really need to think that the parents have a more or less united stand on the issue.

I suggest that parents repeat this process two more times, each time allowing for questions. It’s possible that children will take away distorted information from the first (and even the second) sessions, so it’s important that they get a chance to hear it again. You can tell them that you will be talking with them again about this the following day and you are keen to answer any questions they may have.

But remember that your answers need to demonstrate that you are not criticizing or belittling the other parent in any way. This is dangerous for children’s adjustment, and their relationships with BOTH of you. So make sure that you stick to the ideas presented above – this is an adult decision, and although you feel differently about each other, you don’t feel differently about the children. Please don’t say “Well, dad/mum has decided to leave and I don’t know why” (even if this is true). You may sound like a stuck record, but your children will be protected from adult issues that could harm them if you simply repeat “That’s a grownup decision, and you just need to know that we love you the same as we always have”.

However well it goes, there are times when step-parenting presents a significant challenge, especially in the early years. Estimates suggest that roughly a quarter of families in NZ are remarriages with children, and that a great many of these remarriages dissolve within the first few years. Authors suggest it may take 7 years for the ‘new’, blended family to function effectively as a united team but many families do not last that long. However, there are principles worth following to improve the odds of a successful outcome.
A step-parent (SP) may enter the ‘new’ family with a mixture of fervour and trepidation. Determined to avoid the pitfalls of the archetypal ‘evil’ stereotype, the SP may strive hard and wonder why their efforts (with their step-children) sometimes fail. Reasons are complex. The step-children have undergone the loss by death or separation of a biological parent, and feel strong loyalties to that parent, so a sense of betrayal may accompany any positive feelings they experience toward the SP. Also, the child may view the SP with suspicion, or even as a threat to their ties with, and attention from, the biological parent (BP) partnered with the SP.

The new couple may share similar backgrounds and have similar views about parenting, but this is frequently not the case. Time taken to discuss values, early experiences and hopes provides a building platform for the ‘new’ parenting team. There may be aspects of parenting that each parent is wishing to avoid (from their own experience of being parented or how it was in the previous family) and aspects that they wish to repeat. The discussion of expectations for behaviour, and negotiation of plans for management of the inevitable pushing of boundaries, pays dividends. Then parents need to communicate these plans to the children. One critical principal is always to maintain respect for biological lines – the BP does the front-line parenting and the SP provides a solid support or back-up system. It is also important to allow time for biological ties to be honoured with rituals and memories and one-on-one time between the BP and his or her children.

Maintenance of a strong couple relationship may go some way to prevent biological children and their BP aligning against the SP. Plan strategies for positive discipline, and ensure that the children see a united team in the parents – especially when it comes to the maintenance of expectations. Decide on support, rules, consequences, and household tasks, and encourage adherence, noticing and reinforcing positive behaviour. When the hard stuff happens and punishments or consequences are required for defiance, or failure to comply, the BP must adopt the lead role with the SP in support (perhaps standing beside or just behind the BP and nodding, wordlessly). Difficulties escalate when the SP, in their fervour to get it right or be helpful or defuse conflicr between the BP and the child, moves in front of the BP to a ‘policing role’. Primarily, at least early on, the SP’s goal is to be a warm friend to the child – keeping a distance so that the child has a space in which to observe the SP and approach when comfort allows.

It is a mistake to try to compensate for the deficits you perceive it your partner’s parenting by adjusting your own style. For example, a parent who perceives their partner as unduly harsh may overlook behavioural transgressions and fail to maintain appropriate boundaries. Rather, each parent needs to address their own parenting strengths and weaknesses so they are able to confidently model calm and balance in their approach to the children. Expect the bumps in the road and welcome them as a chance to try out your well-rehearsed tools.

Be aware of the potential for the children suffering loyalty conflicts and maintain positivity towards the absent biological parent to minimise the children’s distress and anxiety. At all costs avoid the child witnessing hostility or conflict between any of their parents. Whatever the composition of the blended family, it is up to parents to take the role seriously and engage in planning. When the blended family works well, the rewards are immense for all members and children flourish. I commend The Step-Parents’ Parachute by Flora McEvedy as an excellent, practical resource for understanding the difficult the role of the SP, answering questions like: Who am I in all this? What am I supposed to do? What is my role? How can I contribute in a positive way? How can I help?

Jenny, a 25-year old mum, complains that her daughter, Mary, aged 4, is “never satisfied” with the attention she gives her. “It doesn’t matter what I do, it’s never enough”, she says. Mary demands Jenny’s undivided attention and yet, when Jenny tries to provide this, something goes wrong. Mary wants it all her way, is easily frustrated and even pushes Jenny away. Jenny tries hard to be patient but finds herself wanting to withdraw from Mary because she feels herself getting angry at Mary’s confusing demands. Jenny compares Mary somewhat unfavourably with her brother, Nathan, who is 7. Nathan is described as “laid back and easy-going” and Jenny says that she had a second child because he was “such a pleasure” to parent. Jenny feels a little shocked and disappointed in her parenting experience with Mary, and has begun to wonder if she is a failure as a mother.
Jenny is also worried about Mary’s general non-compliance and her difficult-to-satisfy, demanding, and clingy behaviour. Mary is soon to start school and common sense behaviour management strategies have yielded limited success. Jenny is very concerned that Mary’s behaviour will cause problems at school and that the school may have difficulty coping with this. She looks forward to having more free time once Mary is at school, but she is fearful of what others will think of Mary and how Mary will cope with the demands of school. In order to understand the stressful interaction pattern between Jenny and her daughter, we could ask a number of questions. For example, how do Mary and Jenny’s personalities contribute to the difficulties; what is happening in their lives to make their relationship more difficult; and how do all of these factors work together to result in the difficulties?
The child herself enters the world with her own personality or temperament. This may be such that her nervous system is easily stimulated and so she has difficulty finding and feeling comfort. This means that she may be difficult to soothe or calm. When she is unwell, tired, hungry or physically uncomfortable, she may become more irritable or “wound up”, or aroused, than a child whose nervous system isn’t so sensitive. Once aroused, she may take longer to calm down than another child. So, she may become irritable easily, and physical attempts to soothe her may make her even more irritable.
Jenny herself values independence and finds it difficult to tolerate Mary’s clingy, whiny and irritable behaviour. She has always needed a reasonable degree of personal freedom within which to explore her own interests. Currently, she has chosen to put a satisfying career on hold until Mary goes to school, but misses the stimulation of her work and colleagues. She has felt a bit miserable for some time but has not disclosed this to others as she feels she should be happy in this maternal role. For a period after Mary was born, Jenny wondered whether she’d made a mistake in having another baby and felt quite low, struggling to make a strong, positive connection with her daughter. Jenny’s parental leave has resulted in increased financial stress for the family. Jenny’s partner, Greg, is busy developing his career and works long hours. Consequently, Jenny has limited physical and emotional support from him. These financial and time pressures mean that Jenny doesn’t have many resources for time out or recreation for herself. Without an opportunity to take care of herself with rest and pleasurable activities, she may have become worn out and resentful of Mary’s demands. She may also be at risk for developing mood or anxiety problems.
There is an interaction between Mary’s temperament, Jenny’s temperament, and the circumstances they find themselves in. Mary requires a high level of calm, patient and firm parenting in order to learn to manage her own volatile nature. These demands are draining Jenny’s diminishing resources, and the situation is worsening as Jenny’s negative emotions are activated. Jenny has come to feel constantly on edge – anticipating difficulties with Mary. She perceives Mary’s behaviour as having malicious intent and being a personal threat. This means she reacts strongly to even small incidents and may inadvertently increase Mary’s distress. It feels as though Mary sometimes does things deliberately to upset her. The stress generated by the difficulties between Jenny and Mary are also taking their toll on the rest of the family.
The problems described here occur in the context of the interaction between Mary and Jenny and may be referred to as attachment difficulties. The relationship between parent and child is often described as an attachment relationship, in which the parent provides a “safe haven” and secure base” for the infant. The child needs to be sure that the parent will be available and responsive when the child needs her comfort, nurturance or protection. However, the parent-child relationship is reciprocal (the child affects the parent as well as the parent affecting the child) from the very beginning, and when relationship problems arise, the parent-child interaction needs attention.
Jenny needs to increase her sensitivity to Mary – becoming more aware and responsive to Mary’s attempts to interact with her. This is hard work, and, in order to meet Mary’s attachment needs, Jenny’s own needs must also be met. This may involve time away from parenting, support from other adults or addressing any health problems. Mary requires calm, firm handling that will contain her more explosive emotions, and her whininess and oppositionality. Her mother’s ability to interpret Mary’s signals for assistance by being tuned to the child and satisfy her needs promptly and appropriately will help to foster the development of a healthy relationship in which Mary is securely attached to her mum. Opportunities for sensitive responding occur many times in the course of daily life – each time they interact.
Jenny’s challenge is to provide a “safe haven” for Mary to retreat to when anxious, and a “secure base” from which to go out and explore the world. In play sessions, Jenny needs to let Mary take the lead, and to become the “attentive follower”, not directing or instructing Mary, but watching and describing what she is doing in a warm and interested way. A time set aside each day in which Jenny practices this “watch and wonder” technique with Mary will help to develop her sensitivity to Mary’s bids for attention and her needs for closeness. As the attachment relationship strengthens, it is likely that those clingy, whiny, oppositional behaviors will decrease.
If Mary’s needs for a safe haven and secure base are not met consistently and predictably within her relationship with her mother (or her father), she will become more insecure in her interactions with Jenny and the difficult behaviors may escalate as she struggles to manage herself without assistance. These patterns , which develop in childhood, may be repeated in the child’s later relationships. Thus, addressing these issues early will have lasting benefits for the child and her carers.

(Adapted from  www.attachmentexperts.com)

What is Attachment?

Attachment is the deep and enduring connection established between a child and caregiver in the first several years of life. It profoundly influences every component of the human condition – mind, body, emotions, relationships and values. Attachment is not something that parents do to their children; rather, it is something that children and parents create together, in an ongoing reciprocal relationship. Attachment to a protective and loving caregiver who provides guidance and support is a basic human need, rooted in millions of years of evolution. There is an instinct to attach: babies instinctively reach out for the safety and security of the "secure base" with caregivers; parents instinctively protect and nurture their offspring. Attachment is a physiological, emotional, cognitive and social phenomenon. Instinctual attachment behaviors in the baby are activated by cues or signals from the caregiver (social releasers). Thus, the attachment process is defined as a "mutual regulatory system" – the baby and the caregiver influencing one another over time.
Beyond the basic function of secure attachment – providing safety and protection for the vulnerable young via closeness to a caregiver – there are several other important functions for children:

• Learn basic trust and reciprocity, which serves as a template for all future emotional relationships.
• Explore the environment with feelings of safety and security ("secure base"), which leads to healthy cognitive and social development.
• Develop the ability to self-regulate, which results in effective management of impulses and emotions.
• Create a foundation for the formation of identity, which includes a sense of competency, self-worth, and a balance between dependence and autonomy.
• Establish a prosocial moral framework, which involves empathy, compassion and conscience.
• Generate the core belief system, which comprises cognitive appraisals of self, caregivers, others, and life in general.
• Provide a defense against stress and trauma, which incorporates resourcefulness and resilience.

Children who begin their lives with the essential foundation of secure attachment fare better in all aspects of functioning as development unfolds. Numerous longitudinal studies have demonstrated that securely attached infants and toddlers do better over time in the following areas:

• Self-esteem
• Independence and autonomy
• Resilience in the face of adversity
• Ability to manage impulses and feelings
• Long-term friendships
• Relationships with parents, caregivers, and other authority figures
• Prosocial coping skills
• Trust, intimacy and affection
• Positive and hopeful belief systems about self, family and society
• Empathy, compassion and conscience
• Behavioral performance and academic success in school
• Promote secure attachment in their own children when they become adults

What is an Attachment Disorder?

More and more children are failing to develop secure attachments to loving, protective caregivers. These children are left without the most important foundation for healthy development. They are flooding our child welfare system with an overwhelming array of problems – emotional, behavioral, social, cognitive, developmental, physical and moral – and growing up to perpetuate the cycle with their own children. Research has shown that up to 80% of high risk families (abuse and neglect, poverty, substance abuse, domestic violence, history of maltreatment in parents’ childhood, depression and other psychological disorders in parents) create severe attachment disorders in their children. Since there are one million substantiated cases of serious abuse and neglect in the U.S. each year, the statistics indicate that there are 800,000 children with severe attachment disorder coming to the attention of the child welfare system each year. This does not include thousands of children with attachment disorder adopted from other countries.
Disrupted and anxious attachment not only leads to emotional and social problems, but also results in biochemical consequences in the developing brain. Infants raised without loving touch and security have abnormally high levels of stress hormones, which can impair the growth and development of their brains and bodies. The neurobiological consequences of emotional neglect can leave children behaviorally disordered, depressed, apathetic, slow to learn, and prone to chronic illness. Compared to securely attached children, attachment disordered children are significantly more likely to be aggressive, disruptive and antisocial. Teenage boys, for example, who have experienced attachment difficulties early in life, are three times more likely to commit violent crimes. Disruption of attachment during the crucial first three years can lead to what has been called "affectionless psychopathy", the inability to form meaningful emotional relationships, coupled with chronic anger, poor impulse control, and a lack of remorse.
Attachment disorder is transmitted intergenerationally. Children lacking secure attachments with caregivers commonly grow up to be parents who are incapable of establishing this crucial foundation with their own children. Instead of following the instinct to protect, nurture and love their children, they abuse, neglect and abandon.
Children who begin their lives with compromised and disrupted attachment are at risk for serious problems as development unfolds:

• Low self-esteem
• Needy, clingy or pseudoindependent
• Decompensate when faced with stress and adversity
• Lack of self-control
• Unable to develop and maintain friendships
• Alienated from and oppositional with parents, caregivers, and other authority figures
• Antisocial attitudes and behaviors
• Aggression and violence
• Difficulty with genuine trust, intimacy and affection
• Negative, hopeless and pessimistic view of self, family and society
• Lack empathy, compassion and remorse
• Behavioral and academic problems at school
• Perpetuate the cycle of maltreatment and attachment disorder in their own children when they reach adulthood

Attachment Disorder: What you may see

Attachment disorder affects all aspect of a child’s functioning. A child may display some combination of the following primary symptoms:

• Behavior: oppositional and defiant, impulsive, destructive, lie and steal, aggressive and abusive, hyperactive, self-destructive, cruel to animals, irresponsible, fire setting.
• Emotions: intense anger and temper, sad, depressed and hopeless, moody, fearful and anxious (although often hidden), irritable, inappropriate emotional reactions.
• Thoughts: negative beliefs about self, relationships, and life in general ("negative working model"), lack of cause-and-effect thinking, attention and learning problems.
• Relationships: lacks trust, controlling ("bossy"), manipulative, does not give or receive genuine affection and love, indiscriminately affectionate with strangers, unstable peer relationships, blames others for own mistakes or problems, victimizes others/victimized.
• Physical: poor hygiene, tactilely defensive, enuresis and encopresis, accident prone, high pain tolerance, genetic predispositions (e.g., depression, hyperactivity).
• Moral/Spiritual: lack of faith, compassion, remorse, meaning and other prosocial values, identification with evil and the dark side of life.

What Can Cause Attachment Disorder?

Listed below are situations and experiences that place children at high-risk for developing attachment disorders:

Parental/Caregiver Contributions:

• Abuse and/or neglect
• Ineffective and insensitive care
• Depression: unipolar, bipolar, postpartum
• Severe and/or chronic psychological disturbances: biological and/or emotional
• Teenage parenting
• Substance abuse
• Intergenerational attachment difficulties: unresolved family-of-origin issues, history of separation, loss, maltreatment
• Prolonged absence: prison, hospital, desertion

Child Contributions:

• Difficult temperament; lack of "fit" with parents or caregivers
• Premature birth
• Medical conditions; unrelieved pain (e.g., inner ear), colicky
• Hospitalizations: separation and loss
• Failure to thrive syndrome
• Congenital and/or biological problems: neurological impairment, fetal alcohol syndrome, in utero drug exposure, physical handicaps
• Genetic factors: family history of mental illness, depression, aggression, criminality, substance abuse, antisocial personality

Environmental Contributions:

• Poverty
• Violence: victim and/or witness
• Lack of support: absent father and extended kin, isolation, lack of services
• Multiple out-of-home placements: moves in foster care system, multiple caregivers
• High stress: marital conflict, family disorganization and chaos, violent community