Exposure to severe conflict between parents increases the likelihood that children themselves will exhibit high levels of aggressive behaviours in various interpersonal relationships (for example with their peers, teachers or parents). In fact, a large body of research demonstrates that conflict between parents is associated with an increased risk for psychological problems among children in all families, whether the parents are together or apart. In our work with the Family Court, where the care of children is being disputed between parents or other caregivers, we see a lot of anxious children who are caught in the middle of intense conflict between the adults who are meant to be taking care of them. This conflict is usually born of longstanding relationship problems between the adults. Children will go to extraordinary lengths to try and stop the conflict – they may lie to the first parent about the second parent if they think this will make the first parent happier (and vice versa); they will behave badly simply to interrupt the parents’ battle, and would rather be getting into trouble from the parents than have the parents fighting with each other; they will withdraw from one or other of the parents in an attempt to avoid the distress of the anxiety caused by the conflict; they may behave very strangely in order to draw the parents’ attention away from each other; and they may try and keep everyone happy by being incredibly obedient and compliant (which isn’t normal all the time!). In any case, parents owe it to their children to protect them from severe, unresolved conflict, and children have the right to grow up in environments unmarked by violence of any kind.

While the principles of changing any behavior are fundamentally the same, parents respond quite differently to their child’s anxiety and anger. When parents perceive that their child is anxious, they become anxious themselves – there are few things that distress a parent more than thinking that their child is afraid. In this state, parents may relax their rules in an attempt to make sure they don’t make the child more afraid. This may have the undesired effect of making the child more anxious – as the parent withdraws control, the child feels less secure. In contrast, when parents perceive that their child is angry, they may be prompted to fight back – taking the child’s antisocial behavior as a personal attack or feeling intimidated. In this state, parents may retaliate with anger, trying to halt the aggression with force. But, if the child’s ‘fight’ behaviors are driven by anxiety, the parent’s forceful response is likely to increase the child’s anxiety.

How do you tell the difference between an angry outburst and an anxious outburst? Given that anger is a normal human reaction to perceived injustice or being thwarted, and anxiety is a normal human reaction to perceived threat or danger, you may get an insight into the child’s behavior by checking out the event that set off the outburst. Take the example of an 8-year old girl whose 10-year old brother won’t let her have a turn on the computer. She complains, “George won’t let me on the computer!”, and it turns out that she has hit George. She may be angry because she wants to play a game and she thinks it’s unfair or feels blocked in her desire to play, or she may be anxious because she cannot finish her homework project on the computer and worries about the consequences of not finishing. In both cases, a parent will ensure that the child has fair access to the computer, but the quality of the parent’s response is likely to be different in each case. In the case of the game-time on the computer, the parent may insist that the children themselves work out a time-sharing system, and in the case of the unfinished project, the parent may intervene to insist that the computer be preferentially available for homework. However, in both cases, there may be some consequence for hitting George, as a zero-tolerance attitude to aggression is important.

What can an adult do when a child is really angry?

• Don’t retaliate (joining in the child’s anger will wind her up even more. It will also teach her poor ways of resolving conflict.)
• Model the behaviour you want a child to learn. If you hit, she learns to hit. If you get out of control, she may learn to fear her own anger. Subsequently she will also learn to fear other people who hold power in her life-teachers, employers, partners.
• Let her know you understand how she’s feeling. “I can see how angry you are” or “It seems like you’re really mad about that”.
• Leave explaining another point of view until the anger has been expressed and acknowledged.
• Ask what she would like to do to improve things.
• Acknowledge what she says. Reaffirm the feelings and then help look at the options. eg. “What might happen if you did X or Y?”
• Don’t force children into apologising when they don’t feel sorry. You may be forcing them to bury their anger and teaching them to be hypocritical.
• You can give a child a sheet of paper and say, “It seems that you’re furious. Draw me a picture and show me how angry you are.” Acknowledge the picture. “I can see you’re really mad. What do you want to do with this picture? How are you feeling right now? What might you do the next time you feel as angry as that?”

What can an adult do when children are angry with each other?

• Reflect what you see happening. ‘I see two children fighting over a ball.”
• Separate the children if need be for safety’s sake. Say “Someone might get hurt.’’
• Give them both a way of venting their anger or calming down. “When you’ve got your anger out, we’ll talk about it. You run to the front  fence, you run to the back fence and come back to me.”
• Find out what they each need.You may need to decide if they need to calm do’. in or vent their anger. “It looks like you need soniething to play with.”
• Find out what they are afraid of. “Are you worried you won‘t get a turn if you give him the ball?’’
• Ask for some solutions.

What can an adult do when one child has hurt another?

• Look the offender in the eye and say firmly, “We don’t hit. It hurts.” Then apply consequence.
• Attend to the victim and reflect their feelings. “You were kicked on the leg. I bet that hurts. I will try and make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Key points:

Children learn how to behave from adult models.
Children learn more from what adults do than what they say.
Good listening helps to dissipate anger and increase a child’s self esteem.
Listening to anger helps more than anything.
Behind anger is hurt, loss and disempowerment.
Change gives hope and personal power.